


In Sickness and in Health

by zmaj



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: 60s/70s, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-18
Updated: 2020-09-18
Packaged: 2021-03-07 19:15:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26532721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zmaj/pseuds/zmaj
Summary: It is hot summer evening in the middle of August. The one that stays hot even after dark and clothes stick to your sweaty skin. Somehow, Hange persuades him into joining them to have a drink - the first one he has in a year, and boy, is he glad for it.“I heard that Erwin’s returned back home, did you know that?”
Relationships: Levi/Erwin Smith
Comments: 6
Kudos: 56





	In Sickness and in Health

**Author's Note:**

> Additional warnings at the end notes.

The old clock on the wall hits 11 in the morning. The street below gets busier each passing minute, people running here and there. But inside of his small apartment, time matters little. What matters is a full glass, and his sorry intoxicated state. Drunk in the middle of a weekday. Drunk, with an album in his hand, drunk, eyes filled with tears he refuses to shed.

His mind replays a conversation he had with Hange earlier this week. It is like a broken gramophone, replaying over and over in his head.

_“Heard that Erwin’s going to enlist, did you know that?”_

-

Levi’s mouth opens to say it. He has Erwin’s attention, his eyes on him, his ears waiting for the words to come out. His head is still mercilessly reminding him about all the alcohol he’s had the other day. He searches for the parting words, but none come out. All of Levi’s thoughts ran away, evaporated, gone with the wind.

“So,” Erwin scratches his head like he used to do in school, when he tried to act all pretty and good in front of the teachers. All polite kindness, Levi’s mind reminds him cruelly. Erwin chuckles again. He never did that in front of Levi. Never for him. “So, what did you want to talk about?”

“Forget it,” Levi says instead. 

He sees interest dying in Erwin’s eyes, a foolish blink of hopefulness of ‘ _what ifs’_ burning out like a match, too fast, too weak in its smallness. 

Erwin offers his hand in one last handshake and Levi’s mind throws tiny thoughts at him like daggers. _So that’s what we are doing now, shaking hands, politely, like some acquaintances?_

Like acquaintances that used to share jokes, ideals, life and a bed. Something close to everything which has now turned into barely anything but bitter memories and bare desire. Acquaintances who will part ways, turn away from each other. Instead of getting to know each other intimately, wanting to unlearn each other desperately. His morning habits, his breathless laughter, his needy prayers into his shoulder when his moans were mixture of his and God’s name. 

Another nod and a slow exhale and Levi feels it again. The tiny traitorous thought, bursting through his throat, _‘Stay,’_ he wants to say. “Be safe” his mouth whispers.

One more clinical reply from Erwin: “Yeah, you too,” and the door of the car closes softly. 

Levi closes his eyes and thinks about sitting down, but that’s too dangerous. Lying down won’t do either, because the bed still smells like memories and going out in the city might mean facing memories they created over the years. He can’t stand in front of the house forever and he can’t go have a smoke, because his mother does not know about the bad habit he developed because of a man who is now voluntarily leaving into the war that is not his to fight. Levi has no better ideas on how to distract himself, so he lets his feet take him to the bathroom. He takes off his clothes, avoids the mirror and stands under the shower and this is when he sees it. That dumb soap that smells like honey.

Honey. It’s a gift that Erwin got him for his birthday-slash-Christmas-present. It’s a gift that Erwin unwrapped and tried first on his skin on December-twenty-fifth-

Two options stand in front of Levi. He can use it out of spite or he can throw the thing in a trash can.

He goes with neither, he just turns around, grabs the shirt and underwear and leaves the bathroom. Too soon to panic, too late to take his words back.

He opens another bottle of wine and pours it into a glass he used the day before. Fuck cleanliness, but most of all, fuck Erwin and his scared ass. 

-

So days and months and a whole year passes and Levi turns from a prolific alcoholic into a teetotaler and gets a job at the nearest bar. The unrest follows and the whole country is on the brink of burning. People revolt, protest against the war, protest for the rights, a country of dreams is falling apart as people dare to dream their own future.

The old decade leaves as they walk into a new one. A lot of things happen over a span of a month. Levi comes out to his mother, to his uncle, leaves the house, leaves the city, gets himself a small apartment in front of a church - talk about the irony. The bells of it wake him up every day at 5 am. He has his tea, exercises for thirty minutes, washes himself and goes to his new working place, a butcher’s shop few streets down the road. It is not ideal, but he knows how to work with knives, and he can use it to his advantage. It pays the rent.

It is hot summer evening in the middle of August. The one that stays hot even after dark and clothes stick to your sweaty skin. Somehow, Hange convinces him into joining them to have a drink - the first one he has in a year, and boy, is he glad he ordered it.

_“Heard that Erwin’s returned back home, did you know that?”_

-

Levi made sure to come up with excuses and avoid family meetings at all cost. Avoid any chance to run into Erwin. Really, he lived a good life, had his job, a place to stay at, he even befriended a cat down the block. He is fine.

But oh, he is curious. So, he accepts another Hange’s invitation, gets drunk and listens hard for any mention or news about Erwin. Hange has none and all that Levi gets out of it is a massive hangover. He almost misses work the following day.

-

Then, the end of September comes. Hange is talking about this place, the Inn and _the revolution_ and somehow, over a glass (or five) Levi agrees to drive them across the country. “But don’t expect I’m gonna march with you or whatever. I’m not driving your corpse back.”

Honestly, he has no idea how he ends up in that pub but the place is charged with raw energy and determination. He himself has no idea how it happens, but a feeling forms in his heart and with a shock Levi realizes it is a feeling of _belonging._ He is so shook by the smiles and hugs and touches and people like _him_ surrounding him he even lets Hange hug him. That’s how he ends outside - just walking into the direction of his car, he tells himself, just yelling along and demanding justice. Just noticing a blond head two meters away from him. Just meeting Erwin after two years. Just turning into the other direction and running.

“Hey,” and “Watch out!” he hears from behind. He hits into strangers, but he feels like an insect being trapped in a bottleneck. He runs and gets lost, having no idea where he or inn or his car is. He slumps down a wall and fishes out a cigarette, failing several attempts to light it up. “Fuck,” he curses, throwing it into a sewer in front of him and kicking the flower pot. No way in hell that blond guy was Erwin. Erwin wasn’t even in the city, much less joining the protests. He fought in the fucking war people were protesting against.

Right?

-

It is 11 am again and he’s somehow got himself and Hange safely home. The only causality is Hange’s left knee; in an attempt to run away from the pigs they stumbled over and fell. But luckily, it was just bruised. So, 11 am and Levi nurses his long-due wine. That blond head fucked with him and his resolution to stay away from alcoholic beverages. The sun is reflecting on his stained glass and Hange, like a true friend they are, they join him in his morning glass (or bottle) of wine.

“You didn’t reach out to him, did you?” Like usually, Hange knows no mercy or any unwritten boundaries, for example: talking about Erwin is a taboo.

Levi snorts and pours himself the rest of the wine. “I don’t see the reason to do that.”

“ _Heard that his right hand-”_

“I really don’t care, Hange, okay,” Levi says, a little too loud for his liking. “He’s the one who left, not me, so I really don’t see the point in visiting him or pretending that we’re on good terms or what’s with _his right hand?”_

Hange looks at him funnily and they drink the rest of the glass up and offer the empty one to Levi to fill it up before they finish the sentence.

“His right hand is the least of his problems, Levi,” they continue silently. “Yeah, it got amputated, but he should count himself lucky. He got out alive. His squad didn’t. WHOA CAREFUL!”

“ _The fuck Hange?”_ Levi and Hange jump out of their chairs as Levi spills the bottle out of shock.

“I thought you knew,” Hange blabbers, “You were-”

“I didn’t,” Levi slumps on the floor, repeating, “I didn’t.“ He rocks himself softly, adding as an afterthought. “We aren’t.”

-

In the end it is Levi who finds the courage and dials Erwin’s home. Somehow, unsurprisingly, he doesn’t live there anymore. Erwin’s father, however, kindly tells him Erwin’s new phone number, tells Levi to visit when he's in town. Levi writes it down on the frontpage of a recipe’s book. He thanks for the info and ends the call. He pours himself a glass of wine and calls Hange to join him. He’s trying to keep up with his resolution to never drink alone again. 

-

The morning after, he makes the bed the moment he wakes up, fries two eggs for breakfast, and at 11 he dials the numbers he wrote down the day before.

He nearly throws the phone through the window when he hears Erwin say _“Hello?”_

He forgets to reply and it ends in Erwin repeating “Hello?” and then, “Can you hear me?”

Then, Erwin finishes the call.

Levi curses, puts on his shoes, jogs down the stairs, with a clear goal to buy the cigarettes, then turns around midway, returns to his apartment and redials.

“Hello?” he says the moment Erwin answers the phone.

His stomach makes a flip when he hears Erwin call him. “Levi, is that you?”

All that Levi can provide in that moment is: “Erwin.” 

“Levi.” 

“...”

“Fuck,” Levi hears Erwin curse silently.

“Erwin.”

Erwin laughs. Quietly at first, then he bursts into loud laughter, Levi’s not sure it’s laughter at all, it sounds like sobbing to him. He doesn’t know what to say. He has nothing to say. He has everything to say. He utters the dumbest question he can at that moment: “Were you at the protests on Sunday?”

“I---What?”  
  
“Nevermind.” Levi retracts quickly. He’s so dumb, his stupid mind and heart and his whole existence.

“Levi.”

“What,” he offers weakly.

  
“Can we meet?” Erwin asks, Levi hears that dumb hope in his voice. It is familiar, a thousand dumb memories hit his mind, it is the tone of the voice he knew well. For example, on Sunday afternoons, when Erwin tried to persuade them to buy ice cream, or when Erwin tried to make him skip school so that they could go skinny dipping in the too-cold lake near their houses. It was hope. It was as if no time had passed at all. 

“Levi, are you there?” Erwin’s question startles Levi out of his mind. He’s been daydreaming during their call, but it is not as if he can help it, it is too much of nothing at once. Yet, _yet._ He hears a voice that sounds suspiciously like his own breathing, so he whispers a single “ _Yes,”_ and then he hangs up.

-

It is 11 am on a rainy Thursday afternoon and Levi’s trying to find a parking place close to a bar he’s been recently familiarized with (thanks to Hange). A bar, which also serves as a coffee-shop during the day and the atmosphere of it makes Levi feel uncomfortable and at the same time it pulls at his strings so easily and makes him feel as if he _belongs_ . He could recognize him anywhere, no matter if it were in the middle of thousands or millions, Erwin just stands out so much, or perhaps Levi’s familiar with him so much he can involuntarily sense his presence in the middle of many. He forces himself to walk slowly and _not to stare_ at the empty right sleeve Erwin’s pinned up. His face hurts when he attempts to smile politely and sits down, facing the one he so desperately tried to forget. 

It felt as if he was coming home and leaving it at the same time. Levi looks into Erwin’s eyes and for a moment he’s blinded with the memories from a lifetime ago.

-

A lifetime ago: lovers, innocent and carefree. 

-

A lifetime ago.

He grabs at his hair, closing his eyes. a delirious memento.

“Oh god,” he prays into his shoulder. “Oh god, do that again.”

Erwin smiles as he bites at his jaw. It is nice to be a god.

Every Saturday night and Sunday mornings, before the service, he prays to him, Erwin’s bedroom a chapel, the last of its space filled with a string of a broken prayer. Levi offers his own body like a martyr. He lies on a bed, their altair, and Erwin worships him on his knees, head bent and their hands intertwined. Levi lets himself be guided, trusts his life in the hands of his shepherd, offers his neck as if to say _‘here is the point where you put the sword should you want it.’_ But he knows that true faith protects the believer, and it never takes what is given, it merely protects it.

“Oh god,” Levi bites his lip, as he tugs at Erwin’s hair.

“Let me?” Erwin asks, voice as rough as his emotions, spilled all over their chests (one heartbeat too strong to hold it together) and he nods through his tears and takes his hands into his, bracing them at the each side of his head.

He thrusts and his whole body convulses, as his mouth falls open.

But he is held and he holds in return and there is nothing godly between them, only human flesh and static energy, pushing their hearts into mad ecstasy.

And then worshipping turns into sinning and his mouth is dirty with vulgar poetry of “ _fuck fuckfuck”,_ and his body is not his own but is one wholesome part of the two. Another whole.

Levi opens his eyes and looks at Erwin and his blissful, fucked out expression that is so pure he wants to keep it for himself forever. Forever that will last for as long as he will let him have it.

-

As long as he will let him have it turned out to be exactly until their graduation day, when Levi turns away from Erwin’s wandering lips and stands up.

“This can’t go on forever.” he says, surprising even himself with the cold boldness of the statement.

“What do you mean?” Erwin asks, quickly regaining composure, as if facing an important exam.

“I’m saying that we need to stop.” 

“But why? Where is this coming from? Talk to me.” Erwin says, ever the one to ask questions.

Levi laughs, rolling his eyes. Five minutes ago, he was sitting in Erwin’s lap, with his tongue in Erwin’s mouth and now he’s thinking about the future, making himself sick with unexplained worry.

“It’s just not how this works.”

“Yeah?” Erwin says, his eyes cooling. Levi sees the light dying in Erwin’s eyes and one sick thought reminds him that this is _his doing._ Erwin continues, not wasting time and returns the cold-cutting words immediately. “So, how should _this_ work, exactly? Find a job, find a girl to settle with, marry, fuck her and have two kids, work and then die? What the fuck Levi?”

Levi laughs coldly. He throws the question back at Erwin. “Okay, then. How should _this_ work, exactly?”

Erwin opens his mouth and Levi expects a storm of curses or at least, a rational reasoning how two men could live together and have an actual future. What he gets is a thousand times worse.

“Alright then,” Erwin says. He stands up, picks up his jacket from the floor and doesn’t spare another glance. Levi lights a cigarette and refuses to look at the back he was clinging to so desperately hours ago.

The next chance he gets to stare at Erwin’s back is when Erwin’s heading for the war.

-

This time, it is Levi who starts the conversation. He’s nervously fidgeting with the teacup when he finally succeeds in letting out the following words: “It was Hange who encouraged me to talk to you.”

Erwin nods, sipping his tea. He has yet to meet Levi’s eyes.

“I was wrong. I’m sorry.” He continues.

Erwin sighs, leans back. His only hand - left hand - slides onto his lap. “You’re sorry?” 

Levi looks up and almost drops his teacup. Erwin’s face is grimaced and tears are streaming down his cheeks.

He has no idea what else to say, so he dumbly repeats, “Erwin, I’m sorry.”

Erwin only cries harder, which alarms the waitress who simply puts a roll of toilet paper in front of them. 

“Come on, boys, talk it out. The world is burning already, there’s no need to add extra vitriol to it.” she says, slamming two shots of vodka on the table, “that’s on the house. You look like you need it.”

Levi reaches for both of them and downs one after another. “That’s right, thanks. I’ll pay the next round.”

He fidgets with his pack of cigarettes, his eyes staring at the empty glasses in front of him. “She’s right, you know.”

“That the world is ending?” Levi’s blood runs cold as he hears Erwin’s choked out laughter. The man in front of him is a man he used to know, but the one Levi remembers was only a boy on the brink of adulthood and his face was so bright and cheerful that it would melt Icarus’ wings before the sun could. Erwin in front of him is no longer that boy. His eyes are sunken and his skin has a sick, pale undertone. He reaches over and takes Levi’s lighter.

“I would know a thing or two about it, Levi.”

Levi winces as he hears his own name. Every breath is heavier than the other, he knows he should look up and face Erwin. That’s the least he can do. But he finds himself unable to do even that. He feels a strong migraine forming. He should focus on Erwin in front of him but his mind is preoccupied with two particular lines. First, the conversation with Hange: _He got out alive. His squad didn’t._ Second, one of the last words he had said to Erwin: _Okay, then. How should this work, exactly?_

“I’m gay,” Levi blurts out.  
  
Erwin exhales smoke through the nose. He rolls his eyes. “Yeah, a gay in a gay bar.” 

“Listen, I - please, just hear me out, okay? I was an asshole to you, the way I ended things with you, was ugly and wrong and I was stupid. I was so afraid of the future that I didn’t see what I had in front of me.” 

He doesn’t say, but he is close to: The most beautiful and compassionate man. My best friend. My soulmate. My one and only. 

Erwin’s face is shut down and his left hand grips the poor cup.

“Then, I got miserable and wasted and I tried to gather courage to talk to you and apologize, but by the time Hange told me you had enlisted I was too late. So I thought - I thought you hated me. Which you’d have all right to. You still do.”

Erwin sighs, shakes his head, “Le-”

“No, please, let me finish this.” Levi reaches for Erwin’s hand without thinking twice, then retreats. He’s not allowed to do this anymore.

Erwin’s hand is quicker and covers his left hand. Squeezes.

“I’m sorry. I was wrong and every day I wake up and I regret my words and actions.” Levi’s eyes sting, so he blinks once, twice, thrice. He’s shocked to find tears there. “I wanted to say this. And I wanted to say that I am so happy that you are alive.”

Erwin’s hand retreats. He shrinks a little and looks away. _Wrong wrong wrong._ Alive is hard for Erwin these days. 

Levi lowers his head. Suddenly, he feels sad. This morning, he woke up with a clear goal to apologize and take some of Erwin’s burden away, but it seems that his presence is only making Erwin’s life more miserable. He should just go. He grabs his bag and keys and stands up, one last attempt to remedy this pitiful situation. “That was thoughtless of me. Again. I’m so-”

“Stop! Just, stop!” Erwin stands up as well. They’re standing next to the table and from the corner of his eyes Levi can see the rest of the bar pretending so hard to look anywhere but at the two of them. “It was not you who forced me to go, alright? It was my own decision. Mine. I signed up for it, so, please, would you please stop avoiding me? Levi, let me have my best friend back, please.” 

Levi bumps at the chair and knocks it over but he is too shocked to notice. What a sight they must be, both in tears and with emotional baggage so big that it can’t even fit the bar they are standing in. Levi opens his mouth but instead of words he finds himself gulping for air. Erwin’s crying so hard he can’t even keep his eyes open.

Suddenly, the waitress from before appears behind Levi, slapping him on the back, “For fuck’s sake, hug him already, please let me work!”

Levi stumbles in Erwin’s arms and then they both fall back on a bench, in tears and laughing. Somehow another shot of vodka appears in front of them and a bill, clearly congratulating them for their reunion but also begging them not to flood the bar with their tears.

“I missed you so much,” Levi admits to Erwin. To himself. “I want to have my best friend back, too.”

Erwin squeezes him, nods. Then he sighs into Levi’s temple, “I’m, I’m not who--”

Levi leans back. What he wants to tell Erwin is important. He wants to be clear in his intentions this time. “Me neither. But we’ll work it out together, okay?” He searches for Erwin’s gaze and adds: “I want to be in your life, for as long as you’ll have me.”

“Okay,” Erwin nods, tears threatening again to fall.

“Okay,” echoes Levi. He looks up and sees Erwin’s face is lit with a smile from _before_ . Before, when they used to be friends, lovers, then strangers and acquaintances. Now, Levi sees Erwin for what he is. His beloved soulmate.   
  


**Author's Note:**

> Warnings for: period typical homophobia, internalized homophobia, brief mentions of war and protests
> 
> -  
> Please let me know if anything should be added or explained! I'm also happy to receive any feedback, let me know if you have any favorite line or if you liked the story.


End file.
